Watch this, not that: Spring Edition Part 2

For every good film there are seven bad ones, but these are just the ones I despise most among the spring releases this year. Without further ado, watch this,

Not that:

Valentine's Day-Feb 12

Starring, Jessica Alba, Kathy Bates, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Patrick Dempsey, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Julia Roberts, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Queen Latifah, and Topher Grace. Wow, that's quite a cast, so large that there's no way in heck any of them will have enough screen time to be memorable. This is just wrong.

Valentine's Day Trailer

Cop Out-Feb 26

Wow. Just wow, this looks awful. They always put the funny parts in the trailer, unfortunately the laugh count for the trailer is negative 1. This looks about as funny as colon cancer. Stars Bruce Willis and Tracey Morgan

Cop Out Trailer

The Bounty Hunter-March 19

Two worthless actors, Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston, trying to bring in an audience to perhaps the most forgettable movie of all time. Sad. Not funny, just sad. Watch the trailer if you don't believe me.

The Bounty Hunter Trailer

Clash of the Titans-March 26

Remaking the 1981 cult classic wasn't a bad idea, but the execution was only successful in killing any chance of goodness this movie had. No doubt inspired by a certain 2007 film involving 1 fewer than 301 Spartans, and to me that is terrifying. In the worst way. Stars Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson (why!) and Ralph Fiennes.

Clash of the Titans (2010) Trailer

MacGruber-April 23

Films based on SNL sketches are hit and miss, (They hit the screens, and they miss the audience). This film was hastily thrown into production after the Pepsi ad that appeared during the Superbowl. Any film that goes from having no script or anything all the way to release in just 14 months can't be good. Especially when it's spoofing something that hasn't been on TV for close to 20 years. No trailer has been released yet...

Watch this, not that: Spring Edition

2010 isn't looking like a particularly good year for film. Recycled, rehashed and remixed are the words that come to mind looking at the release schedule. Still, there must be something worth watching. But what?

Watch This:

Shutter Island-February 19

I'm not the biggest Dicaprio fan (in fact I've never seen any of his movies) but this looks genuinely interesting, and perhaps even...good? Still, it was pushed back from October to February, originally intended to be an Oscar film, but apparently the studio thought otherwise. I'm cautiously optimistic about this psychological thriller. Stars Lio Dicaprio and Ben Kingsley

Shutter Island Trailer 2

Alice in Wonderland-March 5

Tim Burton brings us his first directorial performance since "Sweeney Todd" (2007). This re-imagining of the classic tale looks entertaining to say the least, and is probably my most anticipated film for spring releases. Then again, I'm kind of a Burton junkie. Stars Johnny Depp, Anne Hathaway and Helena Bonham Carter.

Alice in Wonderland Trailer

Green Zone-March 12

Matt Damon has earned himself something of a reputation as an action hero, thanks to a few small movies based on novels by Robert Ludlum, "The Bourne Identity" "The Bourne Supremecy" and "The Bourne Ultimatum". Now, he's sliding back into the role of an action hero, in a very different film, not-so-incidentally directed by Doug Liman, who directed Damon in all three "Bourne" movies. Need I say more? Stars Matt Damon, Amy Ryan, Greg Kinnear, and Jason Issacs.

Green Zone Trailer

How to Train your Dragon-March 26

Dreamworks has had a mixed history with me. "Prince of Egypt" (awesome), "Road to El Dorado" (awful), "Shrek" (fantastic), "Shrek 2" (good, not great), "Shark Tale" (meh), "Madagascar" (blech), "Over the Hedge" (fun), "Shrek 3" (pretty darn bad), "Bee Movie" (didn't see), "Kung Fu Panda" (awesome), "Monsters vs. Aliens" (lame). Still, How to Train your Dragon has a kind of odd appeal to me that I can't really explain at all. It just looks like my kind of movie, what can I say? Stars Jay Baruchel, America Ferrara, Jonah Hill and Kristen Wiig.

How to Train your Dragon Trailer

Kick-*ss-April 16

April movies tend to suck. Released after the spring break boom, and before the summer extravaganzas, it's something of a dumping ground for major studios (less so than August or January). However, it's also prime time for smaller studios like Lionsgate to launch films that would be crushed by the summer, or early spring competition. Kick-*ss is one of those films. However, the superhero spoof genre is weak at best, with titles like "Mystery Men" (bomb), "Superhero Movie" (flop) and "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" (Mega-flop). Let's hope this does better. Stars Nicolas Cage, Aaron Johnson, Mark Strong, Chloe Moretz and Christopher Mintz-Plasse.

Kick-*ss Trailer

All right, this blog is too long, so I'll be adding the "not that" portion later.

New Year, Same Movies

Just got back from watching James Cameron's "Avatar". The movie was pretty good, but that's not what I'm going to talk about here.

I'm going to talk about the trailers, or rather, trailer. The lights went down in the theater and I witnessed the same trailer, again and again and again. The trailer was for different films, but it was all the same. Threatening music at the beginning, quick shots of random stuff and then a heavy metal song would kick in and there were quick shots of random action. Stop, someone says a line and then go into montage of random destruction. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I witnessed millions of dollars thrown around on screen, again and again and again. All the trailers built to the same point and flashed their title too quick to see, or else I just didn't care.

One film stood out from the rest, not going with the "gritty" and "dark" look of the other films. This was the trailer for an unconventional movie based on an unconventional comic book, "Kick-Ass". Yeah, that's the title, and it looks like this movie will RULE. However, this was the lone exception, and there were at least 5 trailers (almost certainly more, but I lost count because I just didn't care).

It became clear to me that we now live in an age where special effects extravaganzas are commonplace and boring. Why? They make so much money, it inspires studios to make them again and again and again. And we keep buying tickets.

It's unfortunate, but I have no doubt many people will pay to see the same movie several times this coming year, under different titles of course. And next year, they'll do it all again. But I won't.

Google Sucks

This is my first, and may very well be my last blog post.
Why? My blog is hosted by Google. I'm probably an idiot, but here goes.

Google Chrome Sucks
Ads for Google Chrome claimed "pages load faster" and "it's not typical". Well congradulations Google, you've made the worst browser known to man! Despite being run owned and operated by Google, you don't include the Google searchbar in your browser. You have to redirect to Google, and then search. Google also apparently hates Hulu. Whenever loading a video on Hulu, it at first says "Sorry we couldn't load the video, try reloading the Cache". Don't try reloading the cache, the tools on Google Chrome are a mess, just refresh, then it works. Sometimes. Lame. Pages don't load faster, and in some cases they don't load at all. Even worse, they load with messed up layouts. Google Chrome sucks!

Gmail sucks.
Seriously bad. I don't really know why, because I haven't used my account in years, but it sucks I guarantee.

Google search is intolerant
Go to Google and type the words "Christianity is". Don't press enter, just see what pops up as suggestions. Now type "Buddhism is", "Hinduism is", even "Atheism is" and you'll get similar results. Now type "Islam is". Nothing. Nothing at all. Google clearly shows preference here, and there are probably other examples. Not making this up.

Google ads suck
In any browser, whenever I click on an ad hosted by Google, it redirects to a dead page. I don't click their ads anymore.

Google ruined YouTube
It's no secret that YouTube has changed. They now post movies, shows and music videos liscenced by corporations. They have separate pages for "popular" and most viewed videos. Popular are only videos posted by YouTube Partners (and corporate masters). Furthermoe, videos "being watched right now" are all YouTube partners. YouTube holds certain users to different standards than others, and new users are purposefully buried beneath the YouTube partners. Why? Because Google bought it. And for Google, it's all about the bottom line.

Censorship
As if the above thing with the religious searches isn't enough, Google shut down websites entitled googlesucks.com, googlesucks.org, and googlesucks.net, and bought up the domain names so no one could use them.

Google will rule the world, unless YOU stop them! Let's hope they don't censor me.

Seven Signs of the Apocalypse

We live in crazy, insane, idiotic, ridiculous and just plain stupid times. Every other week I ask myself "What is the world coming too?" and the world answers, "What do you mean? Transformers 2 was awesome!" thus answering my question.

Anyway, here are the seven signs of the apocalypse.

1. Russel Crowe is Robin Hood
No just no. I'm not a huge Crowe fan to begin with, but he's the farthest thing from my mind when people mention Robin Hood. He was originally supposed to be the Sheriff of Nottingham, back when the picture was titled "Nottingham", but somewhere along the road he became Robin Hood. What the fudge.

2. White Chicks 2
That's right. Marlon and whatever-his-name-is Wayans are making a sequel to the critically panned 2004 "comedy". The film is in early stages of development. Not kidding.

3. Nickelback is named "Band of the Decade"
Yeah. Seriously. Just no. Rockstar was passable, but other than that these guys SUUUUUUCK with 6 capital U's.

4. Spider-man 4 renamed Spiderm4n.
This is just stupid. But you knew that. It's still a rumor, but this is a possible working title for the fourth film in the Spider-man franchise. Crap.

5. People actually believe 2012 is the end of the world.
I for one can't wait for December 13, 2012 when the world will know that 2012 was stupid. All the 2012'ers will look stupid then when the world isn't over. Of course, these are the same people who bought into Y2K, so they'll probably pretend they never bought it to begin with.

6. Barack Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize
We all know why he won it. He won it because he is not Bush. He won because he supports Global Warming initiatives. He won because the masses follow him blindly, and he won because the Nobel people are now corrupt idiots.

7. Someone is reading my blog
There you have it.

Starting a Blog

Today it begins. I now have a place to ramble about whatever I want whenever I want. Yay! More substance coming when I feel like it.