You band SUCKS! Part 2.

50. Carrie Underwood-Meh
49. Backstreet Boys-seriously? they're so 90's...meh, if you want lulz.
48. Alan Jackson-Murder him somebody
47. Maroon 5-If you like terrible music, you'll love them
46. Matchbox 20-Meh
45. Sean Paul-high meh
44. Fergie-Ugh...very low meh
43. Lil Wayne-Sucks
42. Miley Cyrus...do I even need to say it?
41. Ashanti-Who?
40. Dixie Chicks-Sucks
39. Faith Hill-in the right mood...meh
38. Taylor Swift-High Meh
37. Mary J. Blige-Can't name a single song...
36. Ja Rule-Who?
35. Santana-Rocks
34. R. Kelly-Sucks
33. Akon-Want to rip his face off and shove it down his throat...sucks
32. Outkast-sucks
31. Rascall Flats-Usually sucks, but overall meh
30. 3 Doors Down-Meh
29. Chris Brown-Beat him to death plz, kthx
28. Avril Lavigne-High meh
27. Jennifer Lopez-Taco taco, burrito burrito! Sucks
26. T. I.-Sucks
25. He who shall not be named (Kenny Chesney)-Sucks!
24. He who shall not be named (Justin Timberlake)-Sucks!
23. Tim McGraw-Sucks
22. He who shall not be named (Toby Keith)-Shut up parenthesis!
21. 'N Sync-SUCKS
20. Christina Aguilera-Mixed bag of Meh
19. Linkin Park-Old stuff was pretty good but new stuff is suck
18. Creed-Sucks
17. Rihanna-With one or two exeptions, sucks
16. Ludacris-Meh
15. He who shall not be named (Kanye West)-do you like fishsticks?
14. Kelly Clarkson-High Meh
13. P!nk-High meh
12. Them that shall not be named (The Black Eyed Peas)-imma be dead fool!
11. Mariah Carrey-High Meh
10. Jay-Z-Sucks
9. Destiny's Child-It is there destiny to suck
8. She who shall not be named (Britney Spears)-next please
7. Crazy Canadians who should be murdered (Nickelback)-KILL THEM! PLEASE SOMEONE!
6. 50 Cent-If you paid 50 cents for his album, you were robbed.
5. Alilcia Keys-Can sing, but not really my style...meh
4. Beyonce-Extremely low meh, so yeah, she sucks
3. Nelly-It's getting hot in here, because nelly sucked all the cold air out.
2. Usher-Anyone who says there own name in a song sucks...plus he hangs with Justin Bieber
1. Eminem-Before he sold out, he was good. That's a time long gone though.

You Band SUCKS!!!

SO that whole thing with Relient K and Disturbed...yeah I'm not doing that anymore, it was a stupid idea. Here's what I am doing. I'm taking the top 100 bands of the decade, according to billboard.com and breaking them down into three categories: sucks, meh, rocks.

Why? Cuz I felt like it.

100. Flo Rida-Sucks
99. Lonestar-Who?
98. Mario-Sucks
97. Katy Perry-Meh
96. Enya-Meh
95. Jessica Simpson-Sucks
94. Sisqo-Who?
93. Fall-Out Boy-high meh
92. Timbaland-meh
91. Joe....wait, just Joe? That's the name of the group?
90. Daughtry-Meh
89. No Doubt-Low Meh
88. Jagged Edge-Who?
87. U2-Meh
86. Chingy-Seriously? Who?
85. Shaggy-Scooby snack anyone?
84. The Fray-Sucks
83. Red Hot Chili Peppers-Meh
82. Bow Wow-Meh
81. Limp Bizkit-Sucks
80. The Pussycat Dolls-Sucks
79. The Beatles-Wow, they made it for this decade? Awesome! ROCKS!
78. Lifehouse-Sucks
77. Brad Paisly-Sucks
76. Shakira-Sucks
75. Staind-Sucks
74. Enrique Igelsias-Sucks
73. Lady Gaga-Rocks
72. Shandia Twain-Who?
71. Evanescence-High Meh (Amy Lee's solo work is good, but they're really a 1-hit wonder)
70. Aaliyah-Who?
69. John Mayer-SUCKS SO MUCH I WANT TO MURDER HIM!!!
68. Keith Urban-Sucks
67. Janet Jackson-Meh
66. Nelly Furtado-Who?
65. Dave Matthews Band-Meh
64. Snoop Dogg-Sucks
63. George Strait-Sucks
62. Ciara-Sucks
61. Green Day-Rocks for the most part...latest is meh
60. Norah Jones-Rocks, in the right mood
59. Josh Grobabn-Rocks, in the right mood
58. Madonna-Sucks
57. Ne-Yo-High Meh
56. Celine Dion-Meh
55. T-Pain-Sucks so much I want to kill him
54. Gwen Stefani-Sucks
53. Coldplay-High meh, in the right mood.
52. Missy Elliot-Who?
51. Kid Rock-Sucks so much I want to kill him.

Top 50 coming soon.

Disturbed vs. Relient K: How to Make Money vs. Making Good Music

In the music business there are too types of bands. Those in it for the money, and those in it for the music. This is a guide to achieving both goals.

Step 1: the First Album

After making it through the nightmare of somehow getting signed by a major label, you have to make an album. Let's examine how the two groups did.

Disturbed: The Sickness

The album is straight-forward a lot of the same sounding stuff, with angry lyrics and an overall lack of quality. Still, commendable as a first effort. B

Relient K: Relient K

Again straight-forward, amusing lyrics, lighthearted beats, not a lot of complexity, fairly low overall quality. B+

A first album is responsible for defining a band's sound, but the sophomore album is to distinguish a band's quality. If a band's first album is there best, (TFK, MGMT, Sum 41) than there's no where to build to.

Step 2: The Sophomore Album

This is where we find our disconnect. If a band stays the same, they'll invariably decline in quality. There's only so many angry angsty songs you can make. You need a bit of a style change to foster creativity. However, too much of a change (or practically any change) will tend to alienate some of your audience. A prime example of this is Family Force 5. The first album was hardcore crunk, the second was a synth-pop dance record. Subsequently, they lost a lot of there fan-base, and surprise surprise, plan to return to the old style for there third album. (for the record, I liked Dance or Die). Let's see how our test subjects do.

Disturbed: Believe

Basically identical to their first record. A bit more accomplished, but once again a lot of similar songs. It seems like they spent more time on the album cover than writing the songs. Disappointing lack of growth. C.

Relient K: The Anatomy of Tongue in Cheek

A great improvement. The difference between Relient K and Disturbed here, is that Disturbed broke out of the box with their first album. Relient K, well, didn't. This is there breakout and rightfully so. The album is lengthy, in the best way. The songs all sound similar, but there definitely distinguishable, and very unique. The lyrics are a huge improvement, and the music is a bit more proficient too. A.

Will continue this soon, after I do a bit more research.

The fall of the Album.

Everyone knows album sales have been growing weaker and weaker every year, while single sales have grown higher and higher. But you may not have realized how quickly it has happened, and that there's no end in sight. Today, 25,000 album sales will get you a spot in the top 10. This week, "The Devil Wears Prada" released a new EP, entitled "Zombie" which did just that. It hit #10 with first week sales of 25,000.

On the comparable frame last year, the #10 spot was held by "Now That's What I call Music 31", which sold 33,000 albums.

In 2008, Shwayze's debut album "Shwayze" (real creative there) entered at #10 with sales of 47,000. 0_o.

But why stop there? Let's look at the chart week ending March 7, 2010.

Lifehouse's Smoke & Mirrors hit #6 with sales of 54,000. In March 2007, Relient K's Five Score and Seven years ago opened to #6 with sales of 62,000. Not a good comparison? Whatever I just wanted to bring it up.

anyway...randomness....

Why Scott Pilgrim Bombed, and Vampires Sucked was a Hit

Sometimes Hollywood can have major tragedy. Death of James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, and depending on how much of a conformist idiot you are, Michael Jackson. But sadder than any of these events, is when a horrible movie does well, and a fantastic movie does poorly.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World was awesome. If you haven't seen it yet, go see it, or at least add it to your Netflix queue. However, audiences didn't seem interested, and it's something of a bomb.

Vampires Suck was terrible. I haven't seen it, but I know that. I know because the film-makers haven't made anything remotely watchable. However, audiences were interested, and it's something of a hit.

Okay, not really a hit, it made about 12 million opening weekend, but it cost so little that it'll make it's money back. Scott Pilgrim on the other hand won't, here's why.

1. Marketing

Vampires Suck was marketed to Twilight Haters, of which there are many, promising to lampoon the much hated series. The advertisements were all clear about this. Scott Pilgrim was marketed as...well a movie...I guess. It set up a clear premise, but didn't give very compelling reasons to see it. Among its failings was the lack of inclusion of Edgar Wright's name in its ads. People respect his work, Hot Fuzz and Shawn of the Dead. If they had been mentioned, it would have done better. But the real problem is they came off as a typical hipster flick, and while not generic, certainly less than amazing.

2. Timing

Vampires Suck came out less than two months after Twilight Eclipse. That means, people have seen it and had a chance to hate it, but haven't yet forgotten it. Perfect timing. Scott Pilgrim, well...perfect timing was hard to find, and it probably would have been killed due to marketing anyway. But opening in mid-August against a film fueled by action stars didn't help anything. If they'd gone for a Fall release, like Zombieland it could have done much better, or maybe a spring 2011 release like Kick-A

Big Fat Liar

Sometimes a movie is so bad it's good. Sometimes I movie is so bad it's bad. Sometimes, albeit rarely a movie is so good it's bad. Sometimes a movie is bad on purpose, trying to be "so bad it's good" that it's bad. And than there's Big Fat Liar.

This movie is, fantasy. Logic and reason do not apply here, and that's a good thing.

The film stars Frankie "oh my gosh I hate this kid" Muniz. Oh my gosh I hate this kid. He's just creepy, whiny and weird. It also stars Amanda Bynes. She's pretty awesome, and I'm quite saddened that she has quit acting. However, the real star here is Paul Giamatti. More on that later.

So our film begins with Jason Shepherd (Muniz) lying to people. The lies all seem inconsequential. Except one. He somehow forgot to do a paper that, guess what, counts for a third of his grade. Oh no, how will he get out of this one? Well long story short his teacher gives him three hours to write the paper, or he will face summer school. He manages to come up with something, but on his way to turn it in, he gets hit by a limousine. Inside is famed movie producer Marty Wolf (Giamatti) who reluctantly gives Jason a ride the rest of the way, when Jason threatens to sue him. However, Jason accidentally leaves his story, entitled "Big Fat Liar" in the limo! OH NOES! So of course, Jason ends up in summer school, which sucks. Oh, and Amanda Bynes is the movie too, playing Jason's best friend Kaylee. She hasn't really done much yet, and honestly she serves much the same purpose of a house plant. So Jason and Kaylee go to see a movie, and they see the trailer for a film entitled "Big Fat Liar". That's right, Wolf stole his thousand word story, and decided to turn it into a movie, and got a trailer out, all in a matter of days. Like I said, logic and reason don't apply here.
So Jason decides to go to LA to have a talk with Mr. Wolf. His parents are conveniently going away for a few days leaving him alone with his older sister. She, of course takes off with her boyfriend and is never seen again in the movie. Even more conveniently, Kaylee's parents are going away too! But uh oh! Kaylee was supposed to stay with her Grandma Pearl! So they hatch a genius plan to have one of the "bullies" that Kaylee tutors pretend to be her. He does this because...hey I guess it's kind of funny.
So when they get to LA Jason basically waltzes right into Wolf's office and asks him to call his Dad and tell him he did the assignment. Instead of simply saying no, Wolf pretends that he's going too, gets out the story, and "accidentally" burns it up with a cigarette. This is what I really like about the movie. Giamatti overdoes it so much, and quite literally becomes the meanest man alive.
That's enough of a synopsis, but needless to say it gets better from there. Donald Faison and John Cho turn in great and funny performances. Cho (before he was famous) plays a film director clearly modeled after Chinese director John Woo, which leads to some of the movie's funnier sequences.

All in all, this is a great example of a movie throwing logic and reason to the wind and being all the better for it. I give Big Fat Liar 3/4 stars.

Giving Credit Where Credit's Due.

All right, I've talked about this before, but it needs to be said. Something's rotten in the state of Hollywood. Writers are run-over. Few people even know what a producer does anymore. Stars are receiving credit for the writing of films. Directors are receiving credit, only when you know there names, otherwise they may as well be writers (which many of them are).

So now, I will examine a few innocent, albeit insipid comments your average movie-goer may make after a film.

"That movie was really funny! Will Ferrell is so funny!"
Who's Getting Credit: Actor
Who Deserves It: Writer, Director, Editor, and lastly, Actor

Let's take a look at how a comedy gets made, shall we? First, our writer (or writers) hash out a screenplay, revise it and rethink it, until it's ready for shooting. At this point, the production may already be doomed if the script sucks. Now, the producer sets up the film and well, produces. This has little effect on the ultimate outcome of most comedies, it can be fairly inept or completely immaculate, and it will make little difference. Now, it's our director's job to get the best performance possible out of our actor. Of course, there has to be a good actor in there in the first, place, who can deliver lines as required, and pull proper facial expressions. Now it falls to the director again to pick the best take. It then goes to the editor, who can end up mucking things up if he messes up the timing by cutting too much out, or leaving to much in. This is typically overseen by the director though. Another giant responsibility also falls to the director, deciding which portions of the film will end up on the cutting room floor, and which ones will make it to the silver screen. However, he doesn't get the final say. Usually, a film will be test-screened with audiences, and if there's a particular portion they don't like, it may well be cut. This, along with bogus money grabs, is the reason for all the "Director's Cuts" floating around these days. So, let's recap. Writer writes good script, director gets it done well, actors act well (funnily), director picks best stuff, editor keeps mojo, director cuts fluff, audience shove their stupid faces in it.

"That movie was lame. Michael Bay is a hack."
Blametaker: Director
Responsible: WRITERS, Director, Actors, Producer

All that really fell to Michael Bay was getting the good performances, setting up interesting shots, pacing the film, and cutting the fluff. Even if he failed at all of these (which he has done before) most of the responsibility still falls to the writers.